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The Brighter 5: Five funny comedians start your day with a laugh

[Aug 3, 2021: Josh Shavit]



Here are today's five funny and insightful quotes to get you into your happy place. Enjoy!




1. Bill Maher on spirituality

"Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to "beef with broccoli". The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high."



2. Adam Carolla on the rich

"If the rich are evil why are you sitting in their library? Why are you sitting in their hall? Why did I just listen to a whole show on orangutans with no commercials that they paid for?"



3. Alonzo Bodden on driving

“I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.”



4. Anthony Jeselnyk on gifts

"My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces."



5. Andy Kindler on theories

"I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory."



Bonus Joke: Andy Rooney

"My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday."



Today's Daily Sunshine Video

Celebrate The GOAT's birthday today with this Funny or Die video




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