The Brighter 5: Five funny comedians start your day with a laugh

[Aug 5, 2021: Josh Shavit]

Here are today's five funny and insightful quotes to get you into your happy place. Enjoy!

"Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need."

"Every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block. We've all driven past it. A bunch of people living there, too old to be kids, but never gonna be adults... You can tell that by the "AEROSMITH ROCKS" banner in the living room window... Four sociopathic pitbulls roaming the yard at all times... The brown one has one leg, just flops to the fence every couple of hours... You can tell when the family's doubled their net worth 'cause they parked a new gutted Chevelle in the driveway... The mailman's afraid to bring the mail, so he just gives it to the cops, 'cause hell, they're gonna be there anyway... And if you don't recognize this house in your neighborhood, you live in this house in your neighborhood."

“Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.”

"I found out one of my old partners, Larry, is in jail now. Larry got 25 years for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough."

"You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call: “You shoulda hung out man!” “What happened?!” “Ohhh! 10 minutes after you left.” It’s always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons."

"I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities."

Celebrate the Olympics with this funny Daniel Tosh set

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