[Aug 11, 2021: Josh Shavit]
Here are today's five funny and insightful quotes to get you into your happy place. Enjoy!
1. Bill Engvall on work
"I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!"
2. Anthony Jeselnik on sleep
"The other night my girlfriend and I are in bed together. She says, 'Anthony, I want you to pee on me.' Now I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life. Never even imagined it before but then I got the green light and apparently, it's my thing. I just jumped up right away. But as soon as that begins she starts screaming at me; like it's my fault she talks in her sleep."
3. Bob Hope on women's rights
“Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?”
4. Bonnie McFarlane on cops
"I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was "I should cut my bangs.""
5. Dave Attell on friends
"Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it."
Bonus Joke: Dennis Miller
"Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight."
Today's Daily Sunshine Video
Peyton Manning's in the hall of fame so lets enjoy this very funny SNL sketch
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