The Brighter 5: Five funny comedians start your day with a laugh

[July 31, 2021: Josh Shavit]

Here are today's five funny and insightful quotes to get you into your happy place. Enjoy!

"We do experiments on animals for a reason—to prolong our life. If hooking a monkey’s brain up to a car battery is going to save somebody of dying from AIDS in ten years, I got two things to say, “The red is positive and the black is negative.”"

"Hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small… really, really hammered person all the time. That’s really all a baby is. Just the smallest drunkest person that you ever seen in your life. I found myself talking to my sister’s baby the same way I do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night. It’s the same conversation. It’s just me standing over him going, “What’s wrong dude? Why you crying?”"

“Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.”

"Rappers when they get their awards they always credit God. “I’d like to thank Jesus Christ. Jehovah God Almighty. For my number one hit single. It’s called ‘Suck My Mama.’”"

"I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about the Earth. But I’m afraid I’m going to be walking through the park drinking a soda and when I’m done, I just throw it over my shoulder, it’ll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman’s head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi-Cola Rapist because I’m lazy."

"There are those wonderful moments of clarity in life when one is reminded how irreparably flawed we humans are. Once, when I was nineteen, on the subway in Boston I lost my balance slightly and bumped into an elderly woman. I quickly apologized and she replied, "Well, hold on to something, stupid." There it is. That's it. That's it in a nutshell. I don't want to sound negative, but I think every fetus should be shown a film of that incident, maybe projected up on the uterine wall, and then asked if it wants to come out. I am a strong believer in a woman's right to choose, but I also think that in the last trimester, the kid should be given every opportunity to back out."

Taken away from us way, way, too early. Enjoy the hilarity that Patrice brings!

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